“We spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing, but ambition is good. Chasing things with integrity is good”
Just 365 little days thats all right? Well not to sound completely over the top and dramatic these past 365 days have been quite interesting and life changing. As it should be. Every day, every year, every moment should be life changing or it wouldn’t be a life worth living. And in recent conversations I made a comment that confounded myself after it was stated. My career is at a place that I am comfortable and happy with. I started out the last school year wanting to make it different than the years before and I did just that. This past school year was not only a personal success on so many levels but it was also deemed a success from a department of education evaluatory standpoint. It was a drastic improvement from the teaching years I previously had. However that is just about the only category in my life that I am truly pleased with. During my conversation with a long time friend I couldn’t help but feel that while one aspect of my life thoroughly blossoms and flourishes, all other aspects are comparably more complicated to say the least.
Why? The best explanation I could come up with was it is because I got everything I wanted or everything I thought I wanted and it has now come at a particular cost. While everything piles up on top of one another I’m left with a blurred perspective and a million unanswerable questions. I feel that I am now placed into the “Man That Got Everything… and lost it” category. That is the saddest type of person and the worst type of category to be in. There is nothing worse than accomplishing all of your dreams, getting closer to reaching the stars you once thought were out of reach, and then be faced with a price to pay at the end when that all starts crumbling down simultaneously. It is one of the saddest stories ever told to have gained it all and lost it.
One of my biggest fears has nothing to do with gaining the world and losing my soul. One of my biggest fears is gaining the world and losing it. Letting it fall out of my grasp because I was too afraid or short sighted to do what it took to keep the world I fought so hard to obtain. It is a tale as old as time that haunts me on a daily basis. We teach this concept over and over from childhood through adolescence all the way into adulthood. The allegories detailing and foreshadowing the downfall success can catapult into existence, are excestentionally engrained in our memories. However they aren’t enough of a barrier to keep us from traveling down that hopeless road. I fed all of me into one category of my holistic self and left the rest behind unknowingly shattering any chance of survival. I believe it to be a selfless act that led to a particular irrevocable imbalance.
It is true that we want what we want and we as individuals in a conforming society go about the process of obtaining it differently .The hunger, drive, and desire that pushes us forward may also be destroying us from the inside out. What it ultimately comes down to is how much are you willing to lose in order to win? In the plan you have mapped out for yourself and your future have you accounted for the losses you may have to face, and how they can affect you whether positive or negative. Are you able to put together the puzzle pieces of your own life and thoroughly grasp that the imprint you are leaving on the world has a rippling effect on those around you. The unknown: is terrifying and invigorating. Yes. Frightening and exhilarating. Absolutely. So what cost are you willing to pay to achieve all it is that you want in this world. Personally I just don’t know any more. There are days I see the bigger picture and days I just see right infront of my nose.
My saving grace in this internal conflict I face on a daily basis is: I never forget that it is okay to want. And I will always fight to get what it is that I want. But I will most certainly always fight ten times harder to keep what I wanted so it doesn’t become what I had.