It is not often that I stop and think about how truly amazing, and how strong of a hold our minds have over us. We can control so many things just by merely thinking it into existence. Our physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness all depend on the stability of our mental being. Beyond the control factor, I’ve found myself most shocked by how the slightest fragment of a memory can recap a whole lifetime and turn everything on end. As most people are aware this year has been rather tough on the survival of what I used to consider my most fruitful and important friendships. Instead of fighting valiantly to hold on to every piece of everything I thought I couldn’t live without I have decided to be the one who doesn’t come into the ring. I’ve stopped fighting for many valid reasons and many reasons unbeknownst even to myself. That however is not what my intentions are within this post. There are no malicious intentions behind my words and I very much stick besides my decisions and actions wholeheartedly. I still believe it was time to put my needs and efforts before those of others, even those I held closely. The point I am attempting to make … beyond my verbose nature is even though I still believe what I did, what I’ve done, and what I continue to do is what is best for me; I still feel their presence and their void.
Most people would describe my friendships with people as sectional. I have a group of elementary/junior high friends, a group of friends I made in my teenage adolescent high school years, and friends that I’ve made in my college years. These groups are often kept separate with few people transitioning in and out seamlessly due to circumstance. While my adoration and love for each group never faltered it was obvious to many that I paid the most attention, guarded, cherished, and valued my adolescent high school relationships the most. These relationships were cultivated for success in my mind because these people saw me at my worst and still loved me for who I am. They were apart of my progress into becoming who I am today, and sadly 95 percent of these friendships have withered away into nothing more than rare awkward text conversations for special occasions, if not complete silence. They have become mere shadows in my existence pushed into the background, hidden away, and placed into the “things we do not speak of” category of my life. Unfortunately my mind hasn’t allowed this to go on successfully as I am constantly struck by random moments that bring these people’s presence right back to the forefront of my consciousness. These fleeting moments whether a song, or a movie line, or a quote from a book bring these people back into my living room, my backyard, my car, my heart.
After so much time pushing them away into the darkness and attempting to move forward, the memories have become something bigger than what they should be. I’ve learned recently or I guess I should say I’ve felt a dose of my own reality. After a few conversations with the few that are left I realize it may not truly be the person attached to the memory that I miss but rather solely the memories we used to make. At 15 “best friend” didn’t play such an important role as it does now. The expectations are different, our lives are different, and we are all in different places. At 16 “forever” didn’t seem like such an intangible manifestation but more so a logical 1,2,3 recipe to happiness. And at 17 patience just seemed like the only choice or option to getting what you wanted when it was just a few steps out of reach. It is difficult and extremely sad to let people go or for them to let you go. The memories will always trick you into believing that you will not be able to survive. But the truth of the matter is not everyone can stick with you for ever no matter how many times you work at fixing the problem. Some problems are not meant to have solutions but are meant to simply be just that…
That is the enigma of life, the impossibility of solving the impossible is meant to drive us crazy but not meant to destroy us. You may never get your late night conversations back, or your other memorable moments but that doesn’t meant that they didn’t exist. It doesn’t mean that they didn’t happen or that they weren’t wonderful. I now know that even though I may have to let some things go, or some people go I never have to let go of the memories that we’ve built because those are infinitely mine. They can not be taken away from me. Whether they bring happiness, sadness, joy, or tears they are mine to keep.